A Letter for You

Today is one of those days when memories flood my brain and consume my mind. Of all those memories, I am missing one cute little person more than words can even express. So, to my beautiful nephew who lives so far away from me, please know that all the kilometers, and all the months, and all the weeks, and all the days in this world cannot keep me from loving you more and more with each passing day. 

A Letter to My Nephew, 

You. When people ask me what I miss most about home, my answer is always ,You. You, with your bright blue eyes that make me feel like I can see the whole world every time I look into them. You, with your blonde hair that shines like gold every time you play in the sunlight. You, with your silly faces always bringing a smile to my face. You, with your quick remarks always calling me out when I pretend like I’m too old to run around and play with you all day. You, with your face covered in ice cream when I take you out. You, with your constant need of chocolate. You, with your love of motor bikes. You, with your dream to become a police officer. You, with your obsession with Santa Claus even in the summertime. You, with your sweet kisses. You, when you hold my hand tight every time we cross the street. You, with your long conversations about your day. You, with your endless laughs, with your modest perfection. You, with your big ideas and small words. You, with your growing taller, becoming smarter, feeling braver. You, with your almost 4 year old self, changing my life since the moment I first saw you.

I think of you and I can’t even imagine how much I love you. I love you with everything I have. I hope that one day everyone will have the chance to love another person the way that I love you. I think about all the things we like to do together. Going out for coffee, going to the park, taking a walk, watching movies, drawing pictures. I remember when I kiss your face a hundred times and you get annoyed and run away. All these things are a constant stream of beautiful memories that go through my mind all day. And I wish I could tell you how much I miss you and I wish that you would understand. And I wish I could tell you how much I love you but the words never seem to be enough. 

Yesterday I had a really good chocolate bar and immediately I thought about how much you would love it. I remembered when we were used to sit together and you would always share your chocolate with me. I would pretend like I didn’t want it, but you always knew the truth. You’re right. I love chocolate. But I love you more. More than all the chocolate in the world, and no amount of chocolate could make me love you more because I already love you more than I could ever imagine loving another person. Please know that I will do anything to make sure you have everything you need. And sometimes I know you ask about me, and I can’t be there. Please know that I try. I try so hard, but life gets in the way. 

I always wonder what you think when I leave. I wonder what you think when I am there almost every day and then I disappear. I wonder if you can conceptualise the reasons keeping me away from you. I hope that you do. I hope that you know. I hope that you see how invested I am in you. 

I miss you so much. My phone is filled with pictures and videos of you laughing. Your laugh is the music by which happiness blooms and life has color again. 

I want to tell the world how much I love you. I want them to understand but sometimes they don’t. And that is ok. I keep on loving you anyways. You deserve everything good in this world and I wish I could see you more than only once a year. But I think the distance only makes me love you more. It makes me appreciate and treasure every moment. 

When you grow up and become somebody in this big world, I hope you don’t forget the love I have for for you. I hope you understand how much I care and I hope you know that I am always here. 

The next time I kiss your face and you inevitably get annoyed, please know that I am only trying to make up for all the time away from you. 

Love, 

Teze Ersi 

NE SHQIP: 

Sot është një nga ato ditët kur kujtimet permbysin trrurin dhe konsumojn mendjen. Nga gjithe ato kujtime, mua po me mungon nje person i vogel qe perbrenda mban nje dashuri pa limit. Pra, për nipin tim të bukur që nodhet kaq larg prej meje, te lutem dije se te gjitha kilometrat, muajt, javet, dhe ditet e kesaj botë nuk e permbysin dot dashurine qe kam une per ty. Nje dashuri qe shtohet akoma me shume me cdo dit qe kalon. 

Nje Letër për nipin tim, 

Ti. Kur njerëzit më pyesni se çfarë më mungon me shume per vendin tim, përgjigja ime është gjithmonë, Ti. Ti, me sytë blu qe shkelqejn si diamant dhe që me bëjnë të ndihem sikur po shoh gjithe boten sa here te shikoj. Ti, me flokët e verdha qe shkëlqejn si ar sa herë që luan nën rrezet e diellit. Ti, me fytyren tende engjellore qe gjithmon me dhuron buzeqeshje. Ti, me flajet e sakta kur me jep nje veshtrim kritikues sa here qe pretendoj se jam shume e madhe per te luajtur me ty gjithe diten. Ti, qe kur dalim bashke te hame akullore sigurohesh qe ta lyesh cdo cep te fytyres me te. Ti me deshiren tende të vazhdueshme per te ngrene çokollata. Ti me dashurine qe ke per motora. Ti me endrren feminore per tu bere polic. Ti me dashurine tende per Babagjyshin e Vitit Ri edhe ne kohën e verës. Ti me puthjet e tua të embla. Ti, kur ma shtrrëngon dorën fort sa herë që kalojmë rrugën. Ti, kur bisedon me mua per ecurine e dites. Ti, me të qeshurat pa fund, me përsosmërine tende modeste. Ti, me idetë e mëdhaja dhe fjalët e vogla. Ti, me rritjen ne gjatesi,ne zgjuaresi, dhe ne shkathtesi. Ti, pothuajse 4 vjec, ke ndrryshuar jeten time qe ne momentin e pare qe erdhe ne jete. 

Mendoj per ty dhe as nuk mund ta imagjinosh dot sa shume te dua. Te dua ty me cdo gjë që kam. Shpresoj që një dite te gjitheve tju jepet mundesia te duan dike ashtu sic te dua une ty. Mendoj per te gjitha gjerat qe na pelqen te bejme se bashku. Daljet per kafe, ecjet ne park, filmat ne televisor, dhe vizatimet ne fletore. Mendoj ato momentet kur ta puth fytyren njeqind here dhe ti bezdisesh dhe vrapon te largohesh. Te gjitha keto kujtime te bukra rrjedhin vazhdimisht ne mendjen time gjate gjith dites. Do doja te te thoja se sa shume te dua por duket sikur fjalet asnjehere nuk mjaftojn. 

Dje hengra nje cokollat vertete shume te mire dhe mendja me shkoi direkt tek ti. Mendoja se sa shume do te pelqente nese do ishe ketu me mua ta ndanim sebashku. Mu kujtuan te gjitha kohet kur ti haje cokollate dhe gjithmon i ndaje me mua. Une bëja sikur nuk i doja, por ti gjithmone e dije te vërtetën. Ke te drejte, une i dua vertet shume çokollatat. Por ty te dua me shume. Me shume se te gjitha cokollatat qe mban kjo bote. Dhe nuk ekzoston asnje sasi cokollatash qe mund te krahasohet me dashurine qe une kam per ty. Te lutem dije se sa te jem une gjalle, ty nuk do te mungoj asgje. E di qe nodnjehere ti pyet per mua, dhe une nuk mund te ndodhem prane teje. Te lutem dije se perpiqem. Perpiqem aq shume, por detyrimet e jetes me pengojn. 

Gjithmone pyes veten se cfare mendon ti kur une largohem. Pyes veten se cfare mendon kur nje periudh une jam ne jeten tende perdit, dhe pastaj zhdukem. Pyes veten nese arrin ti konceptosh dot arsyet qe me mbajn larg teje. 

Me mungon shume. Celulari im eshte mbushur me fotografite dhe vidjot e tua. E qeshura jote eshte muzika qe i rrikthen ngjyra jetes time dhe nga e cila çel lumturia.  

Do doja ti trregoja gjithe botes sa shume te dua une ty. Do doja qe ata te me kuptonin por ndonjehere nuk ndodh ashty. Por kjo nuk ka gje. Une vazhdoj te te dua pafund. Ti meriton cdo gje te mire qe ofron kjo bote dhe une do doja te isha prezent ne jeten tende me shume se vetem nje here ne vit. Gjithsesi, pavaresisht veshitresise, mendoj se distanca vetem sa me ben te te dua akoma me shume. Me detyron ta vleresoj cdo moment se bashku si nje thesar i cmuar. 

Kur te rritesh dhe te behesh dikush ne kete bote te madhe, uroj qe mos ta harrosh kurre dashurine qe kam une per ty. Uroj ta dish se sa shume e vras mendjen per ty dhe shpresoj te kuptosh se, edhe pse jemi pak larg, mua gjithmone me ke prane. 

Heres tjeter qe do te te puth fytyren njeqind here, te lutem me lejo. Une thjesht po perpiqem te kompesoj per gjithe kohen e humbur larg teje. 

Te dua pafund, 

Teze Ersi

The Never-ending Fight for Happiness

        Sitting here with my coffee cup in hand furiously studying for finals I can't help but try to find an escape for all the stress. My mind quickly drifts off to summer and all the expectations that come along with the physically painful heat, blue skies, beautiful beaches, and most importantly, free time. Time. To do everything. To do nothing. I begin to get giddy just thinking about it. Then, in typical scatter brained fashion my mind starts to ponder probably one of the most talked about and widely discussed questions, "What makes me happy? What is happiness? Why am I always fighting so hard for it?"

I thought about it and quite honestly there are a few points I want to make on the subject:

Quit judging me for staying true to my happiness...can you do the same? 

Honestly, just stop. What makes one person "happy" or simply content with their lives is not the same with all of us. Please try to understand. We are all so tremendously and interestingly different. Each and everyone of us molded and shaped through our experiences, each with our own interpretation of reality. Subjecting people to one specific standard or widely accepted notion of what it means to achieve fulfillment will only lead to a deeper feeling of emptiness. Seems like we are in a constant race to impress the people that don't give us the time of day, seems like we are stuck in this infinite cycle to achieve the ideals that are imposed upon us by fictitious standards and hollywood notions of what it means to be happy.

I don't know much about what it means to be truly happy, but I know that five more minutes of sleep in the morning, falling in love with a song for the very first time, a smile on a child's face, a jolly old man striking up a conversation with me on the bus, eating a cookie and pretending it didn't happen because maybe then the calories won't count are all the things that make my day a little better. These silly things make my life a little brighter. Even if it's fleeting, it's worth it.

Maybe living in the moment and truly experiencing every moment of life is what makes us truly happy. Maybe really feeling something without constantly pondering about the future is something that we should experience every once in a while.

What's the deal with always being happy? 

Seriously though! Like, why? What's wrong with being sad? Emotions are meant to be experienced and they are entirely dependent upon one another. They are mutually exclusive. Without sadness, there cannot be happiness. Without hate, there cannot be love. Without fear, there cannot be confidence and ease. So if you want to experience happiness that is deep and lasting you must be willing to open yourself up to heartbreak and unhappiness. We all want fire but we are all afraid to get burned.

Learn to be ok with your feelings. Learn to be ok with not having a good day. Understand that no day will ever be the same. As much as you may want it to be, it won't.  Learn to forgive yourself. Because we are all messy humans striving to become this inexistent standard of perfection. Learn to learn from the bad days. And if you make the same mistake twenty times, well sometimes that's just life. How lucky are you to have twenty experiences to learn from? How lucky are you to be sitting there, wherever you are, reading these words.

Happiness is great and it feels soo soo good. But it's funny how all the moments that inspire change in us and that we remember the most are not those where we were blissfully smiling. The moments that have the capability to change life as we know it are those moments that we wish to never experience again. Those times where we are thrown into the rollercoaster of life and pushed to change the course.

I guess what I am trying to say is that so many of us are constantly living in this preconceived future that we have created in our head for ourselves. And there is nothing wrong with shattering that image and creating a life where we enjoy every moment. Yes, always be mindful of the future. But don't waste all the moments you have now just worrying about the possible moments you might have later. Learn to not be fearful of whatever it is that inspires something in you.

Understand that we are all to busy worrying about ourselves to have any right to tell you what you should be doing with your life.

Live simply,

Ersi Dani