Moments of Impact

I wish I could count the number of nights I have stayed up thinking about all the things I want to change in my life. The goals I want to achieve, the people I want to please, the people that are toxic, the future that once seemed so distant and far away. 

It's funny how I can count on one hand the number of times I laid my head on my pillow and thought, "my life is perfect." 

The truth is life is never perfect, but there are perfect moments. There are the moments where, for one split second, the universe aligns and everything is right. Life is full of these moments, the only problem is that they are fleeting. They don't last forever, so we don't understand their impact. 

The truth is last week, at UCLA there was a murder-suicide. Initially, we all thought it was a mass shooting, so the entire school went into a lockdown and everyone was in hiding. Although I tried my best not to show it, that was one of the scariest moments of my life. It was one of the most real instances where I had to actually consider that I might die. And that was fucking terrifying. 

A lot of people told me that, although what happened was terrible, I will now have a greater appreciation and love of life. To be honest, that is completely untrue. I do not have some amazing inspiration and newfound love of life. 

I think people need to stop romanticizing awful events. I believe that love of life is found in the good things that happen to us. Good things are what inspire people. Bad things teach lessons. Good things inspire love. 

I find that when something good happens to me, I feel so alive. My energy completely transforms and I feel like I can do anything. I feel happy and I find that I make other people happy too. 

When bad things happen, we experience hurt and sadness. Yes, we learn from the situation, but it does not bring upon us a newfound inspiration towards living a fuller life. 

I understand that without the bad, we cannot have good. But people need to stop pretending that bad things help people appreciate life, because they do not. The only thing that sadness and fear inspire, is even more hurt. 

Life is not easy, and it is definitely not perfect. It is messy and difficult. It is complicated and hard to understand. But our lives are made up of so many perfect moments. Those moments are oftentimes temporary and they last very briefly. Sometimes, we miss them completely. 

There is too much emphasis on the bad in today's world. Most of which is also fueled by the media. But don't get lost and forget about the little moments that make it all worth it. 

Don't stay up thinking about all the ways in which your life is wrong. Do what inspires happiness in you. Start a new job, read a new book, make a new friend, leave behind the toxic people that hold you back. Think of all the ways you have done good in this world. 

More importantly, notice the people in your life. Notice those people that would walk through fire for you. Notice those that make such a big effort to be a part of your life. Notice the people that work so hard to make you happy. Value those people and fight to keep them in your life. Stop focusing on the people you need to work so hard to please and impress, they are not worth your time or efforts. Place your energy with those that will reciprocate it. 

It is important to be content with aspects of your life as they are now. Wanting to change and improve your life is wonderful, but you also have to learn to be happy with what you have right now. Don't go living your life always chasing the next best thing without realizing all the good that you already have. You would be wasting the present for a future that is not even guaranteed.   

Live simply, 

Ersi Dani

My words, Your words

       Yesterday I was getting back from the gym and I saw an elderly man in a wheelchair trying to get up the sidewalk ramp. As I was walking towards him, he kept trying so hard but could never manage to get up. I saw all those people standing around him, watching as he desperately fought to get into the sidewalk before the light turned green and before all the cars flew by. The entire time I was walking towards him, I was shocked to see that no one bothered to help him. It was almost entertaining for them to see whether he was going to make it to the sidewalk of not. 

I rushed to his side and asked him if I could help. I think it was instinct. Humans are build to sympathize and help others. We are build in a way that we are able to feel the pain of others. That is a beautiful thing. I helped him up into the sidewalk and I swear to God no one has ever smiled at me with such love and appreciation before. 

I felt so bad that no one had helped him. He seemed so exhausted and tired. I took him to a coffee shop nearby and got him some water and something to eat. It was the least I could do. 

He kept saying “thank you.” I kept wanting to tell him to stop thanking me because if it was me who was struggling, I know that man would have done everything to help me. 

I was about to leave, and before I left he said, “You know I haven’t always been like this. I am a war veteran. I have seen some tough things in my life. Things that have changed me. My wife died, and my children do not even care about me. I was not always like this you know. I had a house, a warm bed to sleep in, water to drink, and food to eat. And now I am a pathetic old man who cannot even get up the sidewalk on his own. I don’t know what made you do this, but thank you for seeing that I was not always like this.” 

I was so touched by his words. Tears streamed down my eyes and I did not even know what to say. 

To that old man and to so many other people that are suffering in this world, life has not been so easy for you. Please know that I may never understand your pain, but today you changed me. Today you made me see the world differently. Today, YOU made an impact in somebody’s life. 

To everyone who feels useless and lonely in this big world, know that we all draw strength from each other. People cannot always be strong on their own, that is why we need other people to be strong for us when our own strength fails. 

I wish I could do so much more that just a few words, and maybe one day I will. Maybe one day I will do something that will be wonderful and that will help those people in need in a real, tangible way. But today, all I have is my words. 

Words are powerful tools, and sometimes a few words can make you reconsider everything. That old man’s words put my life into perspective. They made me appreciate the things I have and the people that love me. 

In a world that is fueled by hatred, please choose love. Please choose to love even those people who seem like they deserve it least, they are the ones who need it most. As I get older, I  am learning that more than anything in the world, I want to make other people happy. I want to make them happy because their happiness truly gives me so much joy. 

Sometimes we are not powerful enough to make a huge difference in someone’s life. But a few kind words and a few small gestures of kindness, can transform the way someone thinks about themselves. I wish I could say I changed that man’s life. And maybe I did, but maybe I didn’t. But that is ok. I know that I showed him that he is not invisible and that someone cares. All that each of us wants in this world is to know that someone cares. 

Always, chose love. Always.  

Ersi Dani

A Letter for You

Today is one of those days when memories flood my brain and consume my mind. Of all those memories, I am missing one cute little person more than words can even express. So, to my beautiful nephew who lives so far away from me, please know that all the kilometers, and all the months, and all the weeks, and all the days in this world cannot keep me from loving you more and more with each passing day. 

A Letter to My Nephew, 

You. When people ask me what I miss most about home, my answer is always ,You. You, with your bright blue eyes that make me feel like I can see the whole world every time I look into them. You, with your blonde hair that shines like gold every time you play in the sunlight. You, with your silly faces always bringing a smile to my face. You, with your quick remarks always calling me out when I pretend like I’m too old to run around and play with you all day. You, with your face covered in ice cream when I take you out. You, with your constant need of chocolate. You, with your love of motor bikes. You, with your dream to become a police officer. You, with your obsession with Santa Claus even in the summertime. You, with your sweet kisses. You, when you hold my hand tight every time we cross the street. You, with your long conversations about your day. You, with your endless laughs, with your modest perfection. You, with your big ideas and small words. You, with your growing taller, becoming smarter, feeling braver. You, with your almost 4 year old self, changing my life since the moment I first saw you.

I think of you and I can’t even imagine how much I love you. I love you with everything I have. I hope that one day everyone will have the chance to love another person the way that I love you. I think about all the things we like to do together. Going out for coffee, going to the park, taking a walk, watching movies, drawing pictures. I remember when I kiss your face a hundred times and you get annoyed and run away. All these things are a constant stream of beautiful memories that go through my mind all day. And I wish I could tell you how much I miss you and I wish that you would understand. And I wish I could tell you how much I love you but the words never seem to be enough. 

Yesterday I had a really good chocolate bar and immediately I thought about how much you would love it. I remembered when we were used to sit together and you would always share your chocolate with me. I would pretend like I didn’t want it, but you always knew the truth. You’re right. I love chocolate. But I love you more. More than all the chocolate in the world, and no amount of chocolate could make me love you more because I already love you more than I could ever imagine loving another person. Please know that I will do anything to make sure you have everything you need. And sometimes I know you ask about me, and I can’t be there. Please know that I try. I try so hard, but life gets in the way. 

I always wonder what you think when I leave. I wonder what you think when I am there almost every day and then I disappear. I wonder if you can conceptualise the reasons keeping me away from you. I hope that you do. I hope that you know. I hope that you see how invested I am in you. 

I miss you so much. My phone is filled with pictures and videos of you laughing. Your laugh is the music by which happiness blooms and life has color again. 

I want to tell the world how much I love you. I want them to understand but sometimes they don’t. And that is ok. I keep on loving you anyways. You deserve everything good in this world and I wish I could see you more than only once a year. But I think the distance only makes me love you more. It makes me appreciate and treasure every moment. 

When you grow up and become somebody in this big world, I hope you don’t forget the love I have for for you. I hope you understand how much I care and I hope you know that I am always here. 

The next time I kiss your face and you inevitably get annoyed, please know that I am only trying to make up for all the time away from you. 

Love, 

Teze Ersi 

NE SHQIP: 

Sot është një nga ato ditët kur kujtimet permbysin trrurin dhe konsumojn mendjen. Nga gjithe ato kujtime, mua po me mungon nje person i vogel qe perbrenda mban nje dashuri pa limit. Pra, për nipin tim të bukur që nodhet kaq larg prej meje, te lutem dije se te gjitha kilometrat, muajt, javet, dhe ditet e kesaj botë nuk e permbysin dot dashurine qe kam une per ty. Nje dashuri qe shtohet akoma me shume me cdo dit qe kalon. 

Nje Letër për nipin tim, 

Ti. Kur njerëzit më pyesni se çfarë më mungon me shume per vendin tim, përgjigja ime është gjithmonë, Ti. Ti, me sytë blu qe shkelqejn si diamant dhe që me bëjnë të ndihem sikur po shoh gjithe boten sa here te shikoj. Ti, me flokët e verdha qe shkëlqejn si ar sa herë që luan nën rrezet e diellit. Ti, me fytyren tende engjellore qe gjithmon me dhuron buzeqeshje. Ti, me flajet e sakta kur me jep nje veshtrim kritikues sa here qe pretendoj se jam shume e madhe per te luajtur me ty gjithe diten. Ti, qe kur dalim bashke te hame akullore sigurohesh qe ta lyesh cdo cep te fytyres me te. Ti me deshiren tende të vazhdueshme per te ngrene çokollata. Ti me dashurine qe ke per motora. Ti me endrren feminore per tu bere polic. Ti me dashurine tende per Babagjyshin e Vitit Ri edhe ne kohën e verës. Ti me puthjet e tua të embla. Ti, kur ma shtrrëngon dorën fort sa herë që kalojmë rrugën. Ti, kur bisedon me mua per ecurine e dites. Ti, me të qeshurat pa fund, me përsosmërine tende modeste. Ti, me idetë e mëdhaja dhe fjalët e vogla. Ti, me rritjen ne gjatesi,ne zgjuaresi, dhe ne shkathtesi. Ti, pothuajse 4 vjec, ke ndrryshuar jeten time qe ne momentin e pare qe erdhe ne jete. 

Mendoj per ty dhe as nuk mund ta imagjinosh dot sa shume te dua. Te dua ty me cdo gjë që kam. Shpresoj që një dite te gjitheve tju jepet mundesia te duan dike ashtu sic te dua une ty. Mendoj per te gjitha gjerat qe na pelqen te bejme se bashku. Daljet per kafe, ecjet ne park, filmat ne televisor, dhe vizatimet ne fletore. Mendoj ato momentet kur ta puth fytyren njeqind here dhe ti bezdisesh dhe vrapon te largohesh. Te gjitha keto kujtime te bukra rrjedhin vazhdimisht ne mendjen time gjate gjith dites. Do doja te te thoja se sa shume te dua por duket sikur fjalet asnjehere nuk mjaftojn. 

Dje hengra nje cokollat vertete shume te mire dhe mendja me shkoi direkt tek ti. Mendoja se sa shume do te pelqente nese do ishe ketu me mua ta ndanim sebashku. Mu kujtuan te gjitha kohet kur ti haje cokollate dhe gjithmon i ndaje me mua. Une bëja sikur nuk i doja, por ti gjithmone e dije te vërtetën. Ke te drejte, une i dua vertet shume çokollatat. Por ty te dua me shume. Me shume se te gjitha cokollatat qe mban kjo bote. Dhe nuk ekzoston asnje sasi cokollatash qe mund te krahasohet me dashurine qe une kam per ty. Te lutem dije se sa te jem une gjalle, ty nuk do te mungoj asgje. E di qe nodnjehere ti pyet per mua, dhe une nuk mund te ndodhem prane teje. Te lutem dije se perpiqem. Perpiqem aq shume, por detyrimet e jetes me pengojn. 

Gjithmone pyes veten se cfare mendon ti kur une largohem. Pyes veten se cfare mendon kur nje periudh une jam ne jeten tende perdit, dhe pastaj zhdukem. Pyes veten nese arrin ti konceptosh dot arsyet qe me mbajn larg teje. 

Me mungon shume. Celulari im eshte mbushur me fotografite dhe vidjot e tua. E qeshura jote eshte muzika qe i rrikthen ngjyra jetes time dhe nga e cila çel lumturia.  

Do doja ti trregoja gjithe botes sa shume te dua une ty. Do doja qe ata te me kuptonin por ndonjehere nuk ndodh ashty. Por kjo nuk ka gje. Une vazhdoj te te dua pafund. Ti meriton cdo gje te mire qe ofron kjo bote dhe une do doja te isha prezent ne jeten tende me shume se vetem nje here ne vit. Gjithsesi, pavaresisht veshitresise, mendoj se distanca vetem sa me ben te te dua akoma me shume. Me detyron ta vleresoj cdo moment se bashku si nje thesar i cmuar. 

Kur te rritesh dhe te behesh dikush ne kete bote te madhe, uroj qe mos ta harrosh kurre dashurine qe kam une per ty. Uroj ta dish se sa shume e vras mendjen per ty dhe shpresoj te kuptosh se, edhe pse jemi pak larg, mua gjithmone me ke prane. 

Heres tjeter qe do te te puth fytyren njeqind here, te lutem me lejo. Une thjesht po perpiqem te kompesoj per gjithe kohen e humbur larg teje. 

Te dua pafund, 

Teze Ersi

The Never-ending Fight for Happiness

        Sitting here with my coffee cup in hand furiously studying for finals I can't help but try to find an escape for all the stress. My mind quickly drifts off to summer and all the expectations that come along with the physically painful heat, blue skies, beautiful beaches, and most importantly, free time. Time. To do everything. To do nothing. I begin to get giddy just thinking about it. Then, in typical scatter brained fashion my mind starts to ponder probably one of the most talked about and widely discussed questions, "What makes me happy? What is happiness? Why am I always fighting so hard for it?"

I thought about it and quite honestly there are a few points I want to make on the subject:

Quit judging me for staying true to my happiness...can you do the same? 

Honestly, just stop. What makes one person "happy" or simply content with their lives is not the same with all of us. Please try to understand. We are all so tremendously and interestingly different. Each and everyone of us molded and shaped through our experiences, each with our own interpretation of reality. Subjecting people to one specific standard or widely accepted notion of what it means to achieve fulfillment will only lead to a deeper feeling of emptiness. Seems like we are in a constant race to impress the people that don't give us the time of day, seems like we are stuck in this infinite cycle to achieve the ideals that are imposed upon us by fictitious standards and hollywood notions of what it means to be happy.

I don't know much about what it means to be truly happy, but I know that five more minutes of sleep in the morning, falling in love with a song for the very first time, a smile on a child's face, a jolly old man striking up a conversation with me on the bus, eating a cookie and pretending it didn't happen because maybe then the calories won't count are all the things that make my day a little better. These silly things make my life a little brighter. Even if it's fleeting, it's worth it.

Maybe living in the moment and truly experiencing every moment of life is what makes us truly happy. Maybe really feeling something without constantly pondering about the future is something that we should experience every once in a while.

What's the deal with always being happy? 

Seriously though! Like, why? What's wrong with being sad? Emotions are meant to be experienced and they are entirely dependent upon one another. They are mutually exclusive. Without sadness, there cannot be happiness. Without hate, there cannot be love. Without fear, there cannot be confidence and ease. So if you want to experience happiness that is deep and lasting you must be willing to open yourself up to heartbreak and unhappiness. We all want fire but we are all afraid to get burned.

Learn to be ok with your feelings. Learn to be ok with not having a good day. Understand that no day will ever be the same. As much as you may want it to be, it won't.  Learn to forgive yourself. Because we are all messy humans striving to become this inexistent standard of perfection. Learn to learn from the bad days. And if you make the same mistake twenty times, well sometimes that's just life. How lucky are you to have twenty experiences to learn from? How lucky are you to be sitting there, wherever you are, reading these words.

Happiness is great and it feels soo soo good. But it's funny how all the moments that inspire change in us and that we remember the most are not those where we were blissfully smiling. The moments that have the capability to change life as we know it are those moments that we wish to never experience again. Those times where we are thrown into the rollercoaster of life and pushed to change the course.

I guess what I am trying to say is that so many of us are constantly living in this preconceived future that we have created in our head for ourselves. And there is nothing wrong with shattering that image and creating a life where we enjoy every moment. Yes, always be mindful of the future. But don't waste all the moments you have now just worrying about the possible moments you might have later. Learn to not be fearful of whatever it is that inspires something in you.

Understand that we are all to busy worrying about ourselves to have any right to tell you what you should be doing with your life.

Live simply,

Ersi Dani